


I'm Not Him

by fo4companionmusings, relatablepicsofrustyventure (fo4companionmusings)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Character Death, Developing Relationship, Dissociation, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 21:34:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19028374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fo4companionmusings/pseuds/fo4companionmusings, https://archiveofourown.org/users/fo4companionmusings/pseuds/relatablepicsofrustyventure
Summary: A few months after the world was pieced back together, Steve dies. A lot of things come back to Bucky that he would rather not remember, but lucky enough for him, Sam Wilson is there to pick up the pieces.





	I'm Not Him

The news hadn't surprised him. Bucky couldn't stop thinking about it the instant he came back and handed Sam his shield. Steve's health had been on a decline for the past few months now, apparently. Steve's kids never really communicated with him, so he never really found out what was wrong. Bucky just assumed it was old age.

It came on the morning of March 7th. Steve's kids called him and told Bucky that he was gone. He wasn't even there to say goodbye. 

They said that he didn't even say much before he passed. He just softly babbled about how he felt like things had finally gone right. Bucky was happy for Steve. Steve couldn't let go of the past and saw a way to correct it. Bucky didn't think it was a bad move, but his future had been in front of him, not in the past.

Now, his future was dead.

The funeral was a few days later, the timelinehad become so foggy and changed now from this, that there wasn't any media coverage about his death. Some things seemed like they didn't even happen, but they did. So many of his memories were foggy.

The world really, really didn't make a lot of sense anymore. Bucky knew though, that if he could have made the same choice as Steve and go back, he wouldn't. He knew too much now. It would be too nuch.

As Sam and him departed the funeral, Steve's oldest son pulled him aside. 

"James? Right?" He inquired.

"Yeah." Bucky replied simply, just wanting to go home.

"It's nice to meet you." 

Bucky nodded. "Yeah, thanks." 

\-- 

It hit him weeks after Steve had died. He was wandering around, nothing better to do. The space where his metal arm met skin hurt. He didn't know why, but that just happened. 

His face started warming up and tears started pooling at the corners of his eyes. He quickly darted down a narrow hallway, desperately not wanting to be seen by anyone around him. 

The tears finally broke free, streaming down his face. He let out a s wheeze, but covered his mouth with his metal hand, trying not to scream in to it. The cool metal set off something worse in him. 

It wasn't just Steve now, it was everything. He didn't remember a lot of what happened while he was the Winter Soldier, but sometimes bits came back to him. This time, a vision of an entirely innocent woman he choked with that arm came in to his thoughts. 

Footsteps approached, but there was nowhere for him to run faster enough. Instead he desperately wiped his face off, trying to reduce the redness and get rid of tears. 

It was Sam. 

When Sam rounded the corner, he walked over to Bucky, his initial gaze cheerful, but it changed when he got close. 

Bucky stared at the ground, knowing full well that Sam could tell he had been crying. 

"Hey Sam." He stated, trying to stand up a bit taller. 

"What's going on, man?" Sam reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

Bucky instantly flinched and tensed up, almost pulling away from the gesture. "I.." 

"It's cool, you don't have to say anythjng." Sam stated in return, hesitantly using the way he had a grip on Bucky's shoulder to pull him closer and in to an embrace. 

Bucky instantly melted in to Sam's arms, burying his face in Sam's neck, tears escaping him once more.

Sam gladly returned the hug, holding Bucky tight. "It's alright. You're alright." 

Bucky squeezed him a little tighter, desperately stopping himself from just screaming in to Sam's chest. 

They stood like that for a while, neither saying anything after they departed one another's arms.

\-- 

It was late one weekend, a few months after Steve had passed. Bucky had poured himself a drink and was sitting in his room alone at his desk. It wasn't a good night again. He'd had several panic attacks today, not having left his room because of it.

He felt drinking probably wasn't the best option, but he didn't really drink all that often. So, it didn't really matter. 

His vision drifted in and out of focus, and he found himself staring at nothing for a few minutes. When he snapped back to reality, he found he had droooed his cup on the ground, it shattering in to shards all around him. 

There was a knock on his door. 

"It's open." He mumbled, still trying to pull himself out of his daze. 

Sam started walking in, but Bucky finally snapped back. "Glass on the floor." He told Sam urgently, pointing all around him.

Sam nodded then darted out, coming back with a broom and dustpan, carefully sweeping up all the debris. 

"Thanks," Bucky said. "You didn't have to. I was gonna."

"Do you want glass in your feet?" Sam asked, pointing at Bucky's sockless toes. "Because that's honestly a really good way to get glass in your feet."

"Ah." Was all Bucky retorted.

Onced Sam finished, he put all the stuff back where he got it then returned to Bucky's room, sitting at the foot of his bed. 

The air felt thick, awkward. Bucky kind of wanted to run away.

Sam sighed. "Look, I... I know that I'm not him." He then paused, trying to figure out how to continue.

That phrase almost irritated Bucky a little. Nobody ever would be Steve. Sam was right. He was confused as to what he meant.

"But I.." Sam still struggled with how to continue. "Bucky, I.." 

Bucky kept his gaze focused forward, not fully turned to face Sam. 

He could hear Sam stand, and head toward him. Bucky's office chair spun around. 

Bucky was startled, gripping the arm rest with his metal arm, it creaking under the immense pressure. 

Sam leaned in, his lips a mere few millimeters away from Bucky's. Sam's breath was warm against his lips. 

Sam finally closed the gap, his lips meeting Bucky's. Decades ago, it would have been Bucky making the first move. Now, as this happened, he could imagine everything but him doing anything first. 

Sam pulled away, analyzing Bucky's face. "Shit, shit.. I'm sorry. Look, I shouldn't have done that."

Bucky shook his head, then gently pulled Sam close again by his shirt.

He reveled in the feeling of their lips being so close that they could touch at any moment, but not actually touching.

Sam closed the gap between them again, running his thumb across Bucky's bottom lip before pressing another kiss against his lips. 

"Sam," Bucky whispered against his lips, almost a moan.

Sam smile and pushed some of Bucky's hair out of his face. "I'm here. You won't be alone again. 

I promise."


End file.
